Date: 2008-01-23 23:40 Subject: (no subject) Security: Public

have you ever cried so much you felt like you were going to vomit?
have you ever felt so numb you thought you were going to melt away?
have you ever felt so alone that nothing mattered anymore?
have you ever felt so worthless that you wouldn't mind dying?

i have.

Date: 2008-01-23 22:38 Subject: back Security: Public

i promised myself that i wouldn't come back to this account unless something was wrong; and i haven't been to 2amtomorning in a long long time, too. i'm back, though. it's been 5 months and i'm here to say that something's wrong. something is terribly terribly wrong.

i don't really know what to do.

Date: 2007-07-14 20:40 Subject: (no subject) Security: Public

I hate it when I offer
or when I ask
and I get nothing back.

it's the worst feeling in the world to try to find some kind of emotional grounding
(even if its only through a friend)
and find nothing there to support you.

I understand that your personal life is personal
but what the hell.

since when'd i become the bad guy anyway

Date: 2007-06-27 23:41 Subject: (no subject) Security: Public

help me


please

Date: 2007-06-11 23:43 Subject: Who I am. Security: Public Mood: indescribable Music: trailer trash - modest mouse

I can't describe what i'm feeling right now; I'm not sure if I'm okay with life or not.
My feelings can't be described anymore--
one minute I'm crying (I cleaned out my locker at school today) the next I'm completely down.

I feel as if I'm still living a big lie.. but only sometimes. (to be a bit off topic) I feel as if I'm still not completely who I want to be... but how the hell do I know who I want to be? That's my question.

I'm not sure if I want to be the girl that smokes pot. But isn't that the corner that I've backed myself into?
If people know me as a druggie now, they might as well know me as a druggie forever. This is where I stand now - no turning back.

Maybe I'll get a chance to make a fresh start in my new school. (which is really the reason I'm excited to be leaving)
Maybe I won't have to be the girl that's throwing her life away. Maybe, just maybe, I can be something different.

But what will I be?


(sigh.)

Date: 2007-06-03 19:33 Subject: getting shot down Security: Public Mood: sick Music: The Format - Dead End

It hurts the most when you actually try.

Date: 2007-05-30 01:13 Subject: you Security: Public Mood: disappointed Music: the war - melee

JUST DO YOU
AND YOU KNOW THAT'S COOL.

Date: 2007-05-24 23:43 Subject: it's obvious but oh well. Security: Public Mood: artistic Music: none

TONIGHT I EMBRACE WHO I AM.

Date: 2007-05-21 00:09 Subject: when i'm asking for a hand Security: Public

i feel like no one wants to help me out.

Date: 2007-05-19 22:07 Subject: sorry for wasting your time Security: Public Music: life effect - stars

I'm kind of sick of being that girl, the nowhere-noone one.
I'm kind of sick of living where i do, being unappreciated for anything; my constant struggle overlooked.
i'm kind of sick of being let down, and letting people down. i've been trying this new thing - where i only let myself down, and no one else. i've made a promise (not to myself, but) to everyone else that i'll never let them down again.
i'm kind of sick of not getting anything in return for such hard work.
i'm kind of sick of high school. and my part-time job.
i'm just kind of sick of living.

Date: 2007-05-19 01:29 Subject: may 18th, 2007 Security: Public Mood: tired Music: Talihina Sky - Kings of Leon

i don't really know where to draw the line. if you put me in a room with ten thousand liquor bottles, or ten thousand cigarettes - i wouldn't know when to stop.

i'm so afraid and i can't stop saying it.

Date: 2007-05-13 00:58 Subject: just things. Security: Public Mood: indescribable Music: the postal service - such great heights

(a story was here, but i decided that it would be better if i didn't post it)


okay. on to the story that i really wanted to tell:
last week:

i decided to sleep on the couch that night (a long story having to do with a spider) and listen to music; a pretty common thing to do on my part. after a while, i started to think about the people i had let down in that one day alone- (i stayed home from school yet again, and this time, it meant something. this time, i should have came. ah, long story short: i let down a friend who gave something up for me.)- a friend, my family, my teachers.
all i kept thinking was: "i'm a failure, i'm a failure". over and over again.

so i cried. and took a knife, attempted to ease the pain and took some pain killers (not in attempt to kill the pain of the cuts, but more.. to kill the pain of ... me, if that makes sense).
so i sat on the couch and hid the knife underneath it... and cried.
here's when i did the most unlikely thing: i started to pray... "i don't want to die", is what i cried to the god i always claimed to never believe in.
and i apologized to him.. to her. to it. i don't know anymore. but i apologized to whatever it was that was keeping me alive. i told it that i was sorry for ever doubting it, and that i wanted to live. and that i would continue to be faithful... if i could live.
i really felt like i was going to die that night. i remember feeling numb.
and soon, i drifted into a sleep.

i woke up the next morning unchanged. with nothing but a few scabs on my wrist to show from what happened the night before. life's funny like that isn't it?

p.s. i'm still a failure.

Date: 2007-05-11 13:17 Subject: life Security: Public Music: the shins - we will become silhouettes

I've kind of forgotten what I love about this whole thing.

Date: 2007-03-03 22:19 Subject: I'm sleeping Security: Public Music: Paolo Nutini - Rewind

Well...since when?

Date: 2007-02-27 18:34 Subject: Phew, that was a close one / Have A Little Faith In Me Security: Public Music: Rachel Yamagata - Elephants (live acapella)

I was looking through the entires that I've written in the past month, and I've officially made a pact. I will not delete any of these entries. Ever. I've also decided to make these entries public. Everyone can have fun with my life.

Now that I know that I have at least one "reader", I guess you can call it, makes me feel better about writing these. I really don't know why.

I think it's a psychological thing.

Date: 2007-02-27 17:51 Subject: I Heart Hukabees Security: Public Music: The Strokes - Ask Me Anything

Don't you hate it when you're trying to look for something and you can't find it?

I seriously don't mean that metaphorically, I mean it literally.

I'm looking for a DVD of a live show that I heard about, and I can't find it. What the hell!

Anyway,

I'm not eating properly, it's really weird.

Well... that's all I guess.

Except,

I broke up with my boyfriend.

Yeah.

Night.

Date: 2007-02-26 23:10 Subject: ? Security: Public Music: Imagine

I was going crazy. I thought I was going to pass out. My world was collapsing and falling into itself. Everyone wouldn't stop messaging me, I couldn't stop crying.

Then I wrote the last entry.

I pressed the button that read "Post to piratelooks40".

and it stopped.

How the hell did it happen?

I don't know.

Nothing was collapsing, or burning.

It just stood still.

How the hell did that happen?

Now I turn on some John Lennon and I feel better. My friends are still lecturing me, though. Do me a favour, and tell them to lay off for me, okay?

Do me a favour and tell them that I need a break sometimes... okay?

Also,
Do me a favour and tell them that the world dosen't always revolve around them. Okay?

Date: 2007-02-26 22:57 Subject: no spell check. Security: Public Music: none

The one person in the world who I can talk to about this kind of thing isn't online. WHAT DO I DO?!

No, let me add more to this.

I'm with someone that I really shouldn't be with. My life is just... too much right now. I can't deal with what I'm dealing with at the same time and fuck i'm crying. What am i doing to myself?

I'm fucking crazy over this kid... but I just can't. I keep telling myself that I don't want to be with him because I think he's "annoying" but it's all a fucking lie. I can't be with him because I'm fucking scared. And now I'm having a mental breakdown because I can't deal with it all. I knew it was going to come.

But tell me one thing,
why the fuck couldn't he come to me when he was fucking sober!?


WHO THE FUCK DOES HE FUCKING THINK HE IS?!



Okay, no, edit number two:
My friends are up my fucking ass when they don't understand a fucking thing. Tell me, who understands a fucking thing? I know that makes no sense whatsoever. Just reread it until you think it does. I'm done with this entry. Goodnight.

Date: 2007-02-25 21:01 Subject: just a note for people who don't seem to get it Security: Public Music: Blossom Dearie - Figure Eight

Hello,

I may or may not know you, but I've added to my friendslist because you seemed like the type of person that would enjoy having a bit of an insight into a person's life, or even the type of person that would understand.

If I've completely misinterpreted you, and you aren't this all, please be free to leave a disgustingly mean comment requesting me to remove you from my friends list and I will do so.

But, just know, if you constantly leave comments asking me who I am, I WILL take you off of my friends list.

Thank you.

Addition,
I know this really doesn't matter, because my entries are now public. But, whatever, I'll leave it up anyway.